I know. Once I tell the truth, I'm no longer wanted.
I'm not going to stop telling the truth. The truth is ugly. It's not what you really want in your life. Still, if I'm around you, it won't go away, and it will never be comfortable.
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
Running away, again
I'm writing this post quickly so that my partner won't look over my shoulder and ask...
Fuck, too late. He saw, and asked, and I refused to answer, and the wedge between us goes a little deeper. I'm not even sure why I didn't tell him the truth, because he knows about this blog. He read a couple of entries and then told me he couldn't cope with what he read here. He doesn't want to know about the dark parts of my life, not really. He wants to think he can make me forget, too.
The most bizarre thing about all this is that I supposedly have a new life now. I escaped. Again. I live 500 miles from where I did before, in another country, another culture. I left my husband for someone who actually loves me. Everything has changed.
Except me. I'm still as miserable as I ever was. I started drinking again before I left my former home. I was just doing it to help me through the stress and worry. Then I moved, thinking I was changing my life for the better in every way. I was wrong.
I can't seem to change. I can't run away from a darkness that is inside my heart and my soul.
So the drinking didn't stop, and in fact escalated to the point where I needed a drink to get me moving in the morning. I've had periods of my life in the past where I was drinking very heavily, but this was a whole new level.
This past Saturday I started drinking at about noon, and I stopped when I went to sleep at 3AM on Sunday. I remember almost nothing of what happened after 9 that evening. During that time had a conversation with someone who is incredibly important to me, and the only reason I know that it happened is because I woke up the next day and saw a chat log in my inbox.
I was...I am...horrified. Ashamed. I've been a speed freak, a crackhead, I've done amounts of LSD and MDMA that would make people wonder why I'm not completely brain-dead. I've talked about most of it on this blog. But never have I been so out of control that I woke up and could not remember what I had done the night before.
It really is time for me to start all over again. From the beginning, from square one. All of this- it proves that over the years I've learned nothing, and my misery is really nobody's fault but my own.
i will rise
and i will return
the phoenix from the flame
i have learned
i will rise
and you'll see me return
being what i am
there is no other Troy
for me to burn...
Fuck, too late. He saw, and asked, and I refused to answer, and the wedge between us goes a little deeper. I'm not even sure why I didn't tell him the truth, because he knows about this blog. He read a couple of entries and then told me he couldn't cope with what he read here. He doesn't want to know about the dark parts of my life, not really. He wants to think he can make me forget, too.
The most bizarre thing about all this is that I supposedly have a new life now. I escaped. Again. I live 500 miles from where I did before, in another country, another culture. I left my husband for someone who actually loves me. Everything has changed.
Except me. I'm still as miserable as I ever was. I started drinking again before I left my former home. I was just doing it to help me through the stress and worry. Then I moved, thinking I was changing my life for the better in every way. I was wrong.
I can't seem to change. I can't run away from a darkness that is inside my heart and my soul.
So the drinking didn't stop, and in fact escalated to the point where I needed a drink to get me moving in the morning. I've had periods of my life in the past where I was drinking very heavily, but this was a whole new level.
This past Saturday I started drinking at about noon, and I stopped when I went to sleep at 3AM on Sunday. I remember almost nothing of what happened after 9 that evening. During that time had a conversation with someone who is incredibly important to me, and the only reason I know that it happened is because I woke up the next day and saw a chat log in my inbox.
I was...I am...horrified. Ashamed. I've been a speed freak, a crackhead, I've done amounts of LSD and MDMA that would make people wonder why I'm not completely brain-dead. I've talked about most of it on this blog. But never have I been so out of control that I woke up and could not remember what I had done the night before.
It really is time for me to start all over again. From the beginning, from square one. All of this- it proves that over the years I've learned nothing, and my misery is really nobody's fault but my own.
i will rise
and i will return
the phoenix from the flame
i have learned
i will rise
and you'll see me return
being what i am
there is no other Troy
for me to burn...
Friday, October 29, 2010
Cease
Sometimes I really don't think I'm going to make it.
These days I'm a rationalist; I don't believe there is any supernatural, no god, no life after. There is nothing at all beyond this life, and all we can do is live it to the fullest. That has to be enough, because there is no more. And most of the time, that's enough.
But at the same time life is brutal. It is a terrible tragedy. Pain is far more sure than pleasure, far more inevitable, far more constant.
And sometimes I don't want to go on. I crave an end. I think of nothingness and think that's what I desire most.
I try to drag myself away from that craving- I think, just one more day, who knows what will happen next? So many years I've succeeded in facing yet another day. If nothing else, there are others who need me- and I always knew I might outlast all of them, the cruel irony, that I will keep living on when all that I love is gone. It always seemed like the most natural end to this particular life. I will die mourning, and there will be none left to mourn me. I imagine being old, bent, feeling pain in my body, my heart, my soul, and somehow know it's my destiny.
But tonight I'm wishing for darkness and silence, and of not even having a way to sense that...I'm thinking that right now, if there was any way, I could cease.
It evokes such pain and significance
What was once, is reduced to remembrance
And the generations pass without recompense
What pretension! Everlasting peace
Everything must cease
These days I'm a rationalist; I don't believe there is any supernatural, no god, no life after. There is nothing at all beyond this life, and all we can do is live it to the fullest. That has to be enough, because there is no more. And most of the time, that's enough.
But at the same time life is brutal. It is a terrible tragedy. Pain is far more sure than pleasure, far more inevitable, far more constant.
And sometimes I don't want to go on. I crave an end. I think of nothingness and think that's what I desire most.
I try to drag myself away from that craving- I think, just one more day, who knows what will happen next? So many years I've succeeded in facing yet another day. If nothing else, there are others who need me- and I always knew I might outlast all of them, the cruel irony, that I will keep living on when all that I love is gone. It always seemed like the most natural end to this particular life. I will die mourning, and there will be none left to mourn me. I imagine being old, bent, feeling pain in my body, my heart, my soul, and somehow know it's my destiny.
But tonight I'm wishing for darkness and silence, and of not even having a way to sense that...I'm thinking that right now, if there was any way, I could cease.
It evokes such pain and significance
What was once, is reduced to remembrance
And the generations pass without recompense
What pretension! Everlasting peace
Everything must cease
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Amazed
It's been years, I guess. Five years since I started telling my story here, and more than a year since I said anything new. But this blog was always mine, for me, and now that I've found it again, seeing where I was at the beginning of this thing has given me the bit of courage that I needed to go on.
How things have changed. And yes, again I bring love, and a new man, into it. I'm in a deep dark hole right now, but I am no longer completely alone. I found the person I thought couldn't possibly exist. In some ways he's my twin; in others he could not be more different- but this time there isn't the deep inequality that marked my past relationships. He is my partner.
Still...it's so hard now. There are so many complications, not least of which is that I'm in the wrong country and I'm still married to someone else. The marriage is over in all but the legal sense, but the legal sense is, unfortunately, everything.
I re-read this entire blog. It was cathartic doing so. I've been suicidal in the last weeks, constantly battling thoughts of how it would be so much easier if I would just die, finally. But seeing how dark things were back in 2005...I think I can make it a little longer. I don't want to. It's too hard. But I will, because I'm further along than I was then, and I am at last at peace with the idea that this life is all there is.
I think I might write more here. We'll see. It seems like the place to turn in times of darkness, and it will remind me that I can find light again, somehow.
How things have changed. And yes, again I bring love, and a new man, into it. I'm in a deep dark hole right now, but I am no longer completely alone. I found the person I thought couldn't possibly exist. In some ways he's my twin; in others he could not be more different- but this time there isn't the deep inequality that marked my past relationships. He is my partner.
Still...it's so hard now. There are so many complications, not least of which is that I'm in the wrong country and I'm still married to someone else. The marriage is over in all but the legal sense, but the legal sense is, unfortunately, everything.
I re-read this entire blog. It was cathartic doing so. I've been suicidal in the last weeks, constantly battling thoughts of how it would be so much easier if I would just die, finally. But seeing how dark things were back in 2005...I think I can make it a little longer. I don't want to. It's too hard. But I will, because I'm further along than I was then, and I am at last at peace with the idea that this life is all there is.
I think I might write more here. We'll see. It seems like the place to turn in times of darkness, and it will remind me that I can find light again, somehow.
Sunday, April 12, 2009
Rediscovered
Oh yes, there's still a blog here. I nearly forgot about it. I expect everyone else has, and there's actually some comfort in that.
The realtionship I was struggling so hard with in my last posts is over. The end was as painful as the rest of it, and I thought it would kill me. It didn't. I don't believe the old adage that whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger- not at all; I would be Superman if that were true. But losing Mark? It has made me stronger.
There is someone new, of course. One who is extremely special. One who is more than I ever dreamed of, the opposite of everything that was wrong with Mark. He's tall, dark, and handsome, intense, a musician, strong and smart and cool, and doesn't want to hide me away or use me.
I will never get enough of him...that's the problem, of course. He lives in another country. I saw him three weeks ago and will see him again in two weeks; after that, who knows? I could be with him always, so easily, but there will never be enough time together.
I miss him now.
And there's someone else, too. Crazy? Yes. This one is going to stay online only. He's a bit crazy, but in a fascinating sort of way. I'm almost afraid to sign into chat, because I know he watches for me. He makes me forget how much I miss the other one, though.
I'm feeling a bit scattered tonight. Maybe I'll try to remember to update here again, though.
The realtionship I was struggling so hard with in my last posts is over. The end was as painful as the rest of it, and I thought it would kill me. It didn't. I don't believe the old adage that whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger- not at all; I would be Superman if that were true. But losing Mark? It has made me stronger.
There is someone new, of course. One who is extremely special. One who is more than I ever dreamed of, the opposite of everything that was wrong with Mark. He's tall, dark, and handsome, intense, a musician, strong and smart and cool, and doesn't want to hide me away or use me.
I will never get enough of him...that's the problem, of course. He lives in another country. I saw him three weeks ago and will see him again in two weeks; after that, who knows? I could be with him always, so easily, but there will never be enough time together.
I miss him now.
And there's someone else, too. Crazy? Yes. This one is going to stay online only. He's a bit crazy, but in a fascinating sort of way. I'm almost afraid to sign into chat, because I know he watches for me. He makes me forget how much I miss the other one, though.
I'm feeling a bit scattered tonight. Maybe I'll try to remember to update here again, though.
Monday, September 10, 2007
torn
He's online and not talking to me.
I hate him, but I love him so much.
I'm so lonely that it hurts me. It feels like my chest will collapse from the weight of the pain.
i feel just like i’m sinking
and i claw for solid ground
i’m pulled down by the undertow
i never thought i could feel so low
oh darkness
i feel like letting go
if all of the strength and all of the courage
come and lift me from this place
i know i could love you much better than this
full of grace
full of grace, my love
I hate him, but I love him so much.
I'm so lonely that it hurts me. It feels like my chest will collapse from the weight of the pain.
i feel just like i’m sinking
and i claw for solid ground
i’m pulled down by the undertow
i never thought i could feel so low
oh darkness
i feel like letting go
if all of the strength and all of the courage
come and lift me from this place
i know i could love you much better than this
full of grace
full of grace, my love
Saturday, September 08, 2007
waiting
I only want someone to love me. Is that so wrong?
Things with M. went right down the tubes last week, when I began to see him for what he really is....he only wants women to use for idle pleasure, like bottles of wine in a cellar, left untouched until just the right moment, then drunk and mostly forgotten.
I am one of many to him, which normally wouldn't bother me, but I'm seeing that he doesn't "love" anything about any of us other than the reflection of himself he sees in our eyes. He said he didn't want any more lovers, didn't have time for more, since he already has four "regulars" including me. Then another came along, one far more aggressive than me, and next thing I know I'm relegated back to some dark corner of his cellar for further aging, despite the fact that he had me on fire waiting for him.
It also has not escaped me that nearly all his women have been victims of abuse at some stage of their lives. He was agonising about this some weeks ago and I reassured him, painting him as some Paladin on a white horse, loving women and lifting them up. I was wrong. I'd like to tell him what I see now, but he's too busy to talk to me.
So. Next? I'm searching, but if I get another instant message from some creep who wants only to goggle over the size of my tits, I'm going to cry, I think.
Is there such a thing as a man with a soul, a man with a mind? No wonder I still think of J. He was selfish and only wanted sex in the end, but he brought out the spiritual side of me, never insulted my intelligence even as he took me under his wing. He made me feel special, wanted, adored...at least, until the moment he walked out.
And yes, he very well could have murdered me if we'd stayed together, but would that fate really have been so bad compared to what I'm enduring now?
I'm a train wreck
Waiting to happen
Waiting for someone to come pick me up off the tracks
A wild fire born of frustration
Born of a one love that gets me so high
I've no fear at all
Things with M. went right down the tubes last week, when I began to see him for what he really is....he only wants women to use for idle pleasure, like bottles of wine in a cellar, left untouched until just the right moment, then drunk and mostly forgotten.
I am one of many to him, which normally wouldn't bother me, but I'm seeing that he doesn't "love" anything about any of us other than the reflection of himself he sees in our eyes. He said he didn't want any more lovers, didn't have time for more, since he already has four "regulars" including me. Then another came along, one far more aggressive than me, and next thing I know I'm relegated back to some dark corner of his cellar for further aging, despite the fact that he had me on fire waiting for him.
It also has not escaped me that nearly all his women have been victims of abuse at some stage of their lives. He was agonising about this some weeks ago and I reassured him, painting him as some Paladin on a white horse, loving women and lifting them up. I was wrong. I'd like to tell him what I see now, but he's too busy to talk to me.
So. Next? I'm searching, but if I get another instant message from some creep who wants only to goggle over the size of my tits, I'm going to cry, I think.
Is there such a thing as a man with a soul, a man with a mind? No wonder I still think of J. He was selfish and only wanted sex in the end, but he brought out the spiritual side of me, never insulted my intelligence even as he took me under his wing. He made me feel special, wanted, adored...at least, until the moment he walked out.
And yes, he very well could have murdered me if we'd stayed together, but would that fate really have been so bad compared to what I'm enduring now?
I'm a train wreck
Waiting to happen
Waiting for someone to come pick me up off the tracks
A wild fire born of frustration
Born of a one love that gets me so high
I've no fear at all
Wednesday, August 22, 2007
*sigh*
I'm not obsessing about J. anymore. Thank the gods, that desire has passed.
I'm not in the clear, though. Despite what I said a while back about the relationship between M. and I becoming stale, I am now in full obsession mode over M. again.
I think he would be surprised if he knew. I think he loves me because I allow him absolute freedom from commitment. I think he would lose interest in me quickly if he knew I wanted him to devote more of his emotional resorces to me.
I'm using a "spy tool" which allows me to see that M is currently online, using "invisible" mode, on IM. I'm not going to message him, of course, because I don't want him to know I'm spying. But it kills me that he's been invisible for the past two hours and has not even said hello.
I hate it when a love interest causes me to regress to the age of 15 mentally. I hate that I'm feeling this way about M. yet again, when I've already been through it three times in the last five years.
I just need someone to love me as much as I love them. Is that so wrong, really?
I'm not in the clear, though. Despite what I said a while back about the relationship between M. and I becoming stale, I am now in full obsession mode over M. again.
I think he would be surprised if he knew. I think he loves me because I allow him absolute freedom from commitment. I think he would lose interest in me quickly if he knew I wanted him to devote more of his emotional resorces to me.
I'm using a "spy tool" which allows me to see that M is currently online, using "invisible" mode, on IM. I'm not going to message him, of course, because I don't want him to know I'm spying. But it kills me that he's been invisible for the past two hours and has not even said hello.
I hate it when a love interest causes me to regress to the age of 15 mentally. I hate that I'm feeling this way about M. yet again, when I've already been through it three times in the last five years.
I just need someone to love me as much as I love them. Is that so wrong, really?
Monday, August 20, 2007
Answer
If it takes my whole life
I won't break, I won't bend
It will all be worth it
Worth it in the end
'Cos I can only tell you what I know
That I need you in my life
When the stars have all burned out
You'll still be burning so bright
Cast me gently
Into morning
For the night has been unkind
-Sarah McLachlan
I won't break, I won't bend
It will all be worth it
Worth it in the end
'Cos I can only tell you what I know
That I need you in my life
When the stars have all burned out
You'll still be burning so bright
Cast me gently
Into morning
For the night has been unkind
-Sarah McLachlan
Monday, July 09, 2007
Cleanup
I just did some housecleaning, removing posts that contained too much identifying information. Having read through the archives, it was clear that nearly anyone who knows me (offline or online) would have recognised me through what I'd said about myself.
So I fixed it. (Wouldn't it be nice if we could fix life like that?) There is still enough here that someone who knew me really well could work out that this is my work, but really, what are the chances of someone who knows me really well stumbling upon this blog and caring enough to read it all? Not bloody likely. Most of the people who know me well can't even be bothered to read my more public blog. So this will remain a safe haven, so mote it be.
My mind feels sharp today, sharp and edgy both, easily cutting through thoughts and decisions whilst ready to snap at any interruptions.
Still thinking of J a lot, yet resisting the temptation to do another search. I hate the searching, always done with my heart in my throat, fearing that I'll find him as strongly as I hope.
Funny thing is, I don't wish him well. I hope he leaves no traces on the Internet because he is homeless or institutionalised and has no Internet access. I hope that, even as I think on how much I still want him and love him and miss him. If he's really not online anymore, his life must look totally different now. If he is online somehow, then I have reason to be frightened, because he's learned his lesson- learned to cover his tracks and not be open about what he is.
In two days I will see M, my current lover again. Months ago I might have said that he was the "love of my life", but on our last few visits, I sense things between us becoming stale and boring, and my interest waning.
Having carried a torch for M for five years now, never dimming because of the necessary distance between us. It was the best thing for making the energy last as long as possible, but now each time I see him I wonder if it should be the last time.
Of course, I also know that if I break things off with M I will immediately regret it, and pine for him. So I'll wait, maybe, and let him decide what he wants. Maybe.
What kind of love is this that keeps me
Hanging on
Despite everything it’s doing to me?
What is this love that keeps me coming
Back for more
When it will only end in misery?
So I fixed it. (Wouldn't it be nice if we could fix life like that?) There is still enough here that someone who knew me really well could work out that this is my work, but really, what are the chances of someone who knows me really well stumbling upon this blog and caring enough to read it all? Not bloody likely. Most of the people who know me well can't even be bothered to read my more public blog. So this will remain a safe haven, so mote it be.
My mind feels sharp today, sharp and edgy both, easily cutting through thoughts and decisions whilst ready to snap at any interruptions.
Still thinking of J a lot, yet resisting the temptation to do another search. I hate the searching, always done with my heart in my throat, fearing that I'll find him as strongly as I hope.
Funny thing is, I don't wish him well. I hope he leaves no traces on the Internet because he is homeless or institutionalised and has no Internet access. I hope that, even as I think on how much I still want him and love him and miss him. If he's really not online anymore, his life must look totally different now. If he is online somehow, then I have reason to be frightened, because he's learned his lesson- learned to cover his tracks and not be open about what he is.
In two days I will see M, my current lover again. Months ago I might have said that he was the "love of my life", but on our last few visits, I sense things between us becoming stale and boring, and my interest waning.
Having carried a torch for M for five years now, never dimming because of the necessary distance between us. It was the best thing for making the energy last as long as possible, but now each time I see him I wonder if it should be the last time.
Of course, I also know that if I break things off with M I will immediately regret it, and pine for him. So I'll wait, maybe, and let him decide what he wants. Maybe.
What kind of love is this that keeps me
Hanging on
Despite everything it’s doing to me?
What is this love that keeps me coming
Back for more
When it will only end in misery?
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