Amazed

It's been years, I guess. Five years since I started telling my story here, and more than a year since I said anything new. But this blog was always mine, for me, and now that I've found it again, seeing where I was at the beginning of this thing has given me the bit of courage that I needed to go on.

How things have changed. And yes, again I bring love, and a new man, into it. I'm in a deep dark hole right now, but I am no longer completely alone. I found the person I thought couldn't possibly exist. In some ways he's my twin; in others he could not be more different- but this time there isn't the deep inequality that marked my past relationships. He is my partner.

Still...it's so hard now. There are so many complications, not least of which is that I'm in the wrong country and I'm still married to someone else. The marriage is over in all but the legal sense, but the legal sense is, unfortunately, everything.

I re-read this entire blog. It was cathartic doing so. I've been suicidal in the last weeks, constantly battling thoughts of how it would be so much easier if I would just die, finally. But seeing how dark things were back in 2005...I think I can make it a little longer. I don't want to. It's too hard. But I will, because I'm further along than I was then, and I am at last at peace with the idea that this life is all there is.

I think I might write more here. We'll see. It seems like the place to turn in times of darkness, and it will remind me that I can find light again, somehow.