scream

Ever since I got the e-mail that I mentioned in the previous entry I've been feeling like I want to vomit. I know there's no way I will sleep tonight.

Of course, I got another e-mail from my sister-in-law this evening asking a bunch of questions about my daughter, which makes me even more nauseated. And I know this won't be the end of it. When she realizes that I am purposely ignoring her, she will lash out at me. I know her well enough to be completely certain of that.

What in God's name was I thinking when I responded to her in the first place? Why don't I ever learn?

I just want someone to comfort me. I can't talk to my husband... he will validate my feelings, of course, but he'll do it in such a way that my feelings will escalate instead of subsiding. I'm already spiralling out of control. I wish there was someone in this world who would just hold me and say "It'll be okay". That's all I want. Such a simple thing. Why does it always evade me?

Where were you when I was burned and broken
While the days slipped by from my window watching
Where were you when I was hurt and I was helpless
Because the things you say and the things you do surround me
While you were hanging yourself on someone else's words
Dying to believe in what you heard
I was staring straight into the shining sun

Lost in thought and lost in time
While the seeds of life and the seeds of change were planted
Outside the rain fell dark and slow
While I pondered on this dangerous but irresistable pastime
I took a heavenly ride through our silence
I knew the moment had arrived
For killing the past and coming back to life

I took a heavenly ride through our silence
I knew the waiting had begun
And headed straight into the shining sun