A letter to myself

Self,
Please stop and think about what you're doing. Please try to remember when you feel this passionate about anyone or anything, it always ends in disaster.

Remember the pain it will bring you. Remember the rainy winter days huddled next to the radiator, trying to console yourself by listening to his music while your soul shredded with every measure. Can't you remember how much that hurt?

Try to remember how much you lost, last time you let your heart lead your head. It's not worth the price you will pay. If we've learned nothing else, surely we've learned that!

You were so close to the edge last time. You were only saved from death by a miracle. You cannot count on a miracle if you go down this road again. You can only count on the fact that people will always disappoint you, no matter how hard you love them.

Is it worth it? It cannot be.

Why won't you listen to me? I can already see that you're not listening. It's too late, isn't it?

Sincerely,

Me

Turn On the Light

I had a friend who kept a candle in his pocket
He used to touch it when the wind was blowing high
I guess it made him feel like he could buck the system
And when it flickered out we laid him down to die

Turn on the light
Turn on a million blinding brilliant white incendiary lights
A beacon in the night
I'll burn relentlessly until my juice runs dry

I'll construct a rock of tempered beams and trusses
And equip it with a million tiny suns,
I'll install upon the roof on my compartment
and place tinfoil on my floor and on my walls

Then I'll turn on the light...
And I'll burn like a roman fucking candle
Like a chasm in the night
For a miniscule duration
Ecstatic immolation,
Incorrigible delight

Apathy

I know quite well that I will get no more out of this blog than I put into it. I'm completely lacking in inspiration lately, though, and not wanting to deal with any of the issues that I planned to deal with here. I just don't want to. I want to be at peace for a while. I'm not at peace, of course... not really... but will dredging the shit up from the bottom of my life really do me any good? Will it help me?

Where the hell is the population?
All quiet for regeneration
What ever happened to the human race?
Can't you see the enemy here is you?
It's you
It's you
Well, it's you

Quick update

My sister-in-law wrote me a couple of days ago, and she DID leave my brother. Thank heavens. She went back to her other boyfriend- the father of the baby she's carrying- and they were married a couple of days later. So, a big sigh of relief on that one. From now on, as far as I am concerned, she is my sister- ironic that I could not welcome her back into my heart's family until she stopped having dealings with my genetic family.

Also- I've changed my e-mail address. The service I was using before has become too aggressive about forcing me to click through ads before allowing me to see my messages, and Gmail has finally decided to support the browser I prefer (Opera), so from now on my primary address will be wildmagic at gmail.com. If anyone has me in your address book, please update.

I'm still doing okay with the Xanax. I'm taking fewer than my doctor recommended, actually, even though I accidentally found the place where my husband was hiding them, so I'm feeling rather proud of myself. I'm only taking two a day, but even so, they are giving me the most bizarre dreams. The dreams are somewhat disturbing, but not bad enough to call them nightmares. More on that later, maybe.