Cleanup

I just did some housecleaning, removing posts that contained too much identifying information. Having read through the archives, it was clear that nearly anyone who knows me (offline or online) would have recognised me through what I'd said about myself.

So I fixed it. (Wouldn't it be nice if we could fix life like that?) There is still enough here that someone who knew me really well could work out that this is my work, but really, what are the chances of someone who knows me really well stumbling upon this blog and caring enough to read it all? Not bloody likely. Most of the people who know me well can't even be bothered to read my more public blog. So this will remain a safe haven, so mote it be.

My mind feels sharp today, sharp and edgy both, easily cutting through thoughts and decisions whilst ready to snap at any interruptions.

Still thinking of J a lot, yet resisting the temptation to do another search. I hate the searching, always done with my heart in my throat, fearing that I'll find him as strongly as I hope.

Funny thing is, I don't wish him well. I hope he leaves no traces on the Internet because he is homeless or institutionalised and has no Internet access. I hope that, even as I think on how much I still want him and love him and miss him. If he's really not online anymore, his life must look totally different now. If he is online somehow, then I have reason to be frightened, because he's learned his lesson- learned to cover his tracks and not be open about what he is.

In two days I will see M, my current lover again. Months ago I might have said that he was the "love of my life", but on our last few visits, I sense things between us becoming stale and boring, and my interest waning.

Having carried a torch for M for five years now, never dimming because of the necessary distance between us. It was the best thing for making the energy last as long as possible, but now each time I see him I wonder if it should be the last time.

Of course, I also know that if I break things off with M I will immediately regret it, and pine for him. So I'll wait, maybe, and let him decide what he wants. Maybe.

What kind of love is this that keeps me
Hanging on
Despite everything it’s doing to me?
What is this love that keeps me coming
Back for more
When it will only end in misery?