Coming Back

*blows the dust off this old blog*

Nobody's reading this anymore, right? After all, I haven't updated in over a year.

But my mind is starting to go back to strange places again, so here I am, poking around in dark corners that I really should be leaving alone.

His name was J. I loved him. I would even go so far as to say that I've never loved anyone as much as I loved him...though that might be a lie, because we didn't stay together long enough for that initial euphoric infatuation to change into something more sane.

But, gods, I loved him. And now, seven years since I last saw him, six years since I last talked to him, he's here on my mind again, unbidden.

He wanted me to call him "Daddy", though he was only a few years older than me. I liked that. It turned me on for some reason, despite- or maybe because of- the molestation I endured as a child. It turned him on, too.

I have looked for him a few times since it ended, but never found even a trace. That makes sense, considering how and why it ended, and how he ended up. I doubt he would want me to find him, and if he found me, I think he would probably kill me.

And I don't mean that in the typical "my boyfriend's gonna kill me" hyperbole. I think J. would murder me, because he was more than capable of murder. As a matter of fact, in our last conversations I begged him to promise that he woud kill me rather than leave me again, and he didn't hesitate to tell me that the day would come where he would strangle the breath out of me and bury my body in some hidden place.

I still love him. Even after what he did. When I'm alone, and let myself slip into that danger zone of fantasy that I keep hidden from the world, it's him that I cry out for in the final moment of ecstasy.

every moment marked
with apparitions of your soul
i’m ever swiftly moving
trying to escape this desire

the yearning to be near you
i do what I have to do

but I have the sense to recognize
that I don’t know how
to let you go
- Sarah McLachlan