Let me die

Love is a lie. Trust is a lie. Compassion- so rare that you might as well be digging for diamonds in your backyard,and usually if you find it, there is a selfish motive behind it.

Shot down, once again.

This time I don't want to recover. I've said it before, but you know, most people are just naturally surrounded by friends and family, and can't imagine any other way. My family destroyed me and then abandoned me, and every friend I've ever had has done the same. The only people I have to turn to are thousands of miles away and have not spent enough time around me to know that I am toxic.

(And on the off chance that you still care enough to read this...I kept talking. You not only shut me down, but you also were the first to delete me from every place where we are "friends"...yet you still say I abandoned you? You are full of shit. I don't deny being a miserable pile of puke myself, but I am still hoping you will start listening. You abandoned me. Look at your actions honestly. And through all this, I still fucking love you, you hateful bitch. I will never stop loving you.)

I deserve this, I know. I wish I wasn't too chickenshit to put a stop to everything forever. You know you are really a loser when you even fail at suicide.

still chasing a wild goose

I know. Once I tell the truth, I'm no longer wanted.

I'm not going to stop telling the truth. The truth is ugly. It's not what you really want in your life. Still, if I'm around you, it won't go away, and it will never be comfortable.

Running away, again

I'm writing this post quickly so that my partner won't look over my shoulder and ask...

Fuck, too late. He saw, and asked, and I refused to answer, and the wedge between us goes a little deeper. I'm not even sure why I didn't tell him the truth, because he knows about this blog. He read a couple of entries and then told me he couldn't cope with what he read here. He doesn't want to know about the dark parts of my life, not really. He wants to think he can make me forget, too.

The most bizarre thing about all this is that I supposedly have a new life now. I escaped. Again. I live 500 miles from where I did before, in another country, another culture. I left my husband for someone who actually loves me. Everything has changed.

Except me. I'm still as miserable as I ever was. I started drinking again before I left my former home. I was just doing it to help me through the stress and worry. Then I moved, thinking I was changing my life for the better in every way. I was wrong.

I can't seem to change. I can't run away from a darkness that is inside my heart and my soul.

So the drinking didn't stop, and in fact escalated to the point where I needed a drink to get me moving in the morning. I've had periods of my life in the past where I was drinking very heavily, but this was a whole new level.

This past Saturday I started drinking at about noon, and I stopped when I went to sleep at 3AM on Sunday. I remember almost nothing of what happened after 9 that evening. During that time had a conversation with someone who is incredibly important to me, and the only reason I know that it happened is because I woke up the next day and saw a chat log in my inbox.

I was...I am...horrified. Ashamed. I've been a speed freak, a crackhead, I've done amounts of LSD and MDMA that would make people wonder why I'm not completely brain-dead. I've talked about most of it on this blog. But never have I been so out of control that I woke up and could not remember what I had done the night before.

It really is time for me to start all over again. From the beginning, from square one. All of this- it proves that over the years I've learned nothing, and my misery is really nobody's fault but my own.


i will rise
and i will return
the phoenix from the flame
i have learned
i will rise
and you'll see me return
being what i am
there is no other Troy
for me to burn...