Cease

Sometimes I really don't think I'm going to make it.

These days I'm a rationalist; I don't believe there is any supernatural, no god, no life after. There is nothing at all beyond this life, and all we can do is live it to the fullest. That has to be enough, because there is no more. And most of the time, that's enough.

But at the same time life is brutal. It is a terrible tragedy. Pain is far more sure than pleasure, far more inevitable, far more constant.

And sometimes I don't want to go on. I crave an end. I think of nothingness and think that's what I desire most.

I try to drag myself away from that craving- I think, just one more day, who knows what will happen next? So many years I've succeeded in facing yet another day. If nothing else, there are others who need me- and I always knew I might outlast all of them, the cruel irony, that I will keep living on when all that I love is gone. It always seemed like the most natural end to this particular life. I will die mourning, and there will be none left to mourn me. I imagine being old, bent, feeling pain in my body, my heart, my soul, and somehow know it's my destiny.

But tonight I'm wishing for darkness and silence, and of not even having a way to sense that...I'm thinking that right now, if there was any way, I could cease.

It evokes such pain and significance
What was once, is reduced to remembrance
And the generations pass without recompense
What pretension! Everlasting peace
Everything must cease

Amazed

It's been years, I guess. Five years since I started telling my story here, and more than a year since I said anything new. But this blog was always mine, for me, and now that I've found it again, seeing where I was at the beginning of this thing has given me the bit of courage that I needed to go on.

How things have changed. And yes, again I bring love, and a new man, into it. I'm in a deep dark hole right now, but I am no longer completely alone. I found the person I thought couldn't possibly exist. In some ways he's my twin; in others he could not be more different- but this time there isn't the deep inequality that marked my past relationships. He is my partner.

Still...it's so hard now. There are so many complications, not least of which is that I'm in the wrong country and I'm still married to someone else. The marriage is over in all but the legal sense, but the legal sense is, unfortunately, everything.

I re-read this entire blog. It was cathartic doing so. I've been suicidal in the last weeks, constantly battling thoughts of how it would be so much easier if I would just die, finally. But seeing how dark things were back in 2005...I think I can make it a little longer. I don't want to. It's too hard. But I will, because I'm further along than I was then, and I am at last at peace with the idea that this life is all there is.

I think I might write more here. We'll see. It seems like the place to turn in times of darkness, and it will remind me that I can find light again, somehow.