torn

He's online and not talking to me.

I hate him, but I love him so much.

I'm so lonely that it hurts me. It feels like my chest will collapse from the weight of the pain.

i feel just like i’m sinking
and i claw for solid ground
i’m pulled down by the undertow
i never thought i could feel so low
oh darkness
i feel like letting go
if all of the strength and all of the courage
come and lift me from this place
i know i could love you much better than this
full of grace
full of grace, my love

waiting

I only want someone to love me. Is that so wrong?

Things with M. went right down the tubes last week, when I began to see him for what he really is....he only wants women to use for idle pleasure, like bottles of wine in a cellar, left untouched until just the right moment, then drunk and mostly forgotten.

I am one of many to him, which normally wouldn't bother me, but I'm seeing that he doesn't "love" anything about any of us other than the reflection of himself he sees in our eyes. He said he didn't want any more lovers, didn't have time for more, since he already has four "regulars" including me. Then another came along, one far more aggressive than me, and next thing I know I'm relegated back to some dark corner of his cellar for further aging, despite the fact that he had me on fire waiting for him.

It also has not escaped me that nearly all his women have been victims of abuse at some stage of their lives. He was agonising about this some weeks ago and I reassured him, painting him as some Paladin on a white horse, loving women and lifting them up. I was wrong. I'd like to tell him what I see now, but he's too busy to talk to me.

So. Next? I'm searching, but if I get another instant message from some creep who wants only to goggle over the size of my tits, I'm going to cry, I think.

Is there such a thing as a man with a soul, a man with a mind? No wonder I still think of J. He was selfish and only wanted sex in the end, but he brought out the spiritual side of me, never insulted my intelligence even as he took me under his wing. He made me feel special, wanted, adored...at least, until the moment he walked out.

And yes, he very well could have murdered me if we'd stayed together, but would that fate really have been so bad compared to what I'm enduring now?

I'm a train wreck
Waiting to happen
Waiting for someone to come pick me up off the tracks
A wild fire born of frustration
Born of a one love that gets me so high
I've no fear at all