torn

He's online and not talking to me.

I hate him, but I love him so much.

I'm so lonely that it hurts me. It feels like my chest will collapse from the weight of the pain.

i feel just like i’m sinking
and i claw for solid ground
i’m pulled down by the undertow
i never thought i could feel so low
oh darkness
i feel like letting go
if all of the strength and all of the courage
come and lift me from this place
i know i could love you much better than this
full of grace
full of grace, my love

waiting

I only want someone to love me. Is that so wrong?

Things with M. went right down the tubes last week, when I began to see him for what he really is....he only wants women to use for idle pleasure, like bottles of wine in a cellar, left untouched until just the right moment, then drunk and mostly forgotten.

I am one of many to him, which normally wouldn't bother me, but I'm seeing that he doesn't "love" anything about any of us other than the reflection of himself he sees in our eyes. He said he didn't want any more lovers, didn't have time for more, since he already has four "regulars" including me. Then another came along, one far more aggressive than me, and next thing I know I'm relegated back to some dark corner of his cellar for further aging, despite the fact that he had me on fire waiting for him.

It also has not escaped me that nearly all his women have been victims of abuse at some stage of their lives. He was agonising about this some weeks ago and I reassured him, painting him as some Paladin on a white horse, loving women and lifting them up. I was wrong. I'd like to tell him what I see now, but he's too busy to talk to me.

So. Next? I'm searching, but if I get another instant message from some creep who wants only to goggle over the size of my tits, I'm going to cry, I think.

Is there such a thing as a man with a soul, a man with a mind? No wonder I still think of J. He was selfish and only wanted sex in the end, but he brought out the spiritual side of me, never insulted my intelligence even as he took me under his wing. He made me feel special, wanted, adored...at least, until the moment he walked out.

And yes, he very well could have murdered me if we'd stayed together, but would that fate really have been so bad compared to what I'm enduring now?

I'm a train wreck
Waiting to happen
Waiting for someone to come pick me up off the tracks
A wild fire born of frustration
Born of a one love that gets me so high
I've no fear at all

*sigh*

I'm not obsessing about J. anymore. Thank the gods, that desire has passed.

I'm not in the clear, though. Despite what I said a while back about the relationship between M. and I becoming stale, I am now in full obsession mode over M. again.

I think he would be surprised if he knew. I think he loves me because I allow him absolute freedom from commitment. I think he would lose interest in me quickly if he knew I wanted him to devote more of his emotional resorces to me.

I'm using a "spy tool" which allows me to see that M is currently online, using "invisible" mode, on IM. I'm not going to message him, of course, because I don't want him to know I'm spying. But it kills me that he's been invisible for the past two hours and has not even said hello.

I hate it when a love interest causes me to regress to the age of 15 mentally. I hate that I'm feeling this way about M. yet again, when I've already been through it three times in the last five years.

I just need someone to love me as much as I love them. Is that so wrong, really?

Answer

If it takes my whole life
I won't break, I won't bend
It will all be worth it
Worth it in the end
'Cos I can only tell you what I know
That I need you in my life
When the stars have all burned out
You'll still be burning so bright

Cast me gently
Into morning
For the night has been unkind
-Sarah McLachlan

Cleanup

I just did some housecleaning, removing posts that contained too much identifying information. Having read through the archives, it was clear that nearly anyone who knows me (offline or online) would have recognised me through what I'd said about myself.

So I fixed it. (Wouldn't it be nice if we could fix life like that?) There is still enough here that someone who knew me really well could work out that this is my work, but really, what are the chances of someone who knows me really well stumbling upon this blog and caring enough to read it all? Not bloody likely. Most of the people who know me well can't even be bothered to read my more public blog. So this will remain a safe haven, so mote it be.

My mind feels sharp today, sharp and edgy both, easily cutting through thoughts and decisions whilst ready to snap at any interruptions.

Still thinking of J a lot, yet resisting the temptation to do another search. I hate the searching, always done with my heart in my throat, fearing that I'll find him as strongly as I hope.

Funny thing is, I don't wish him well. I hope he leaves no traces on the Internet because he is homeless or institutionalised and has no Internet access. I hope that, even as I think on how much I still want him and love him and miss him. If he's really not online anymore, his life must look totally different now. If he is online somehow, then I have reason to be frightened, because he's learned his lesson- learned to cover his tracks and not be open about what he is.

In two days I will see M, my current lover again. Months ago I might have said that he was the "love of my life", but on our last few visits, I sense things between us becoming stale and boring, and my interest waning.

Having carried a torch for M for five years now, never dimming because of the necessary distance between us. It was the best thing for making the energy last as long as possible, but now each time I see him I wonder if it should be the last time.

Of course, I also know that if I break things off with M I will immediately regret it, and pine for him. So I'll wait, maybe, and let him decide what he wants. Maybe.

What kind of love is this that keeps me
Hanging on
Despite everything it’s doing to me?
What is this love that keeps me coming
Back for more
When it will only end in misery?

Coming Back

*blows the dust off this old blog*

Nobody's reading this anymore, right? After all, I haven't updated in over a year.

But my mind is starting to go back to strange places again, so here I am, poking around in dark corners that I really should be leaving alone.

His name was J. I loved him. I would even go so far as to say that I've never loved anyone as much as I loved him...though that might be a lie, because we didn't stay together long enough for that initial euphoric infatuation to change into something more sane.

But, gods, I loved him. And now, seven years since I last saw him, six years since I last talked to him, he's here on my mind again, unbidden.

He wanted me to call him "Daddy", though he was only a few years older than me. I liked that. It turned me on for some reason, despite- or maybe because of- the molestation I endured as a child. It turned him on, too.

I have looked for him a few times since it ended, but never found even a trace. That makes sense, considering how and why it ended, and how he ended up. I doubt he would want me to find him, and if he found me, I think he would probably kill me.

And I don't mean that in the typical "my boyfriend's gonna kill me" hyperbole. I think J. would murder me, because he was more than capable of murder. As a matter of fact, in our last conversations I begged him to promise that he woud kill me rather than leave me again, and he didn't hesitate to tell me that the day would come where he would strangle the breath out of me and bury my body in some hidden place.

I still love him. Even after what he did. When I'm alone, and let myself slip into that danger zone of fantasy that I keep hidden from the world, it's him that I cry out for in the final moment of ecstasy.

every moment marked
with apparitions of your soul
i’m ever swiftly moving
trying to escape this desire

the yearning to be near you
i do what I have to do

but I have the sense to recognize
that I don’t know how
to let you go
- Sarah McLachlan