Broken

I'm not doing well at all. My marriage is over for all intents and purposes. And last night it was made abundantly clear that the man I love most- not my husband, but someone else who has been in and out of my life as a lover for almost five years now- only wants me as a fuck-buddy, and nothing more.

I tried to tell him how I felt about him, and tried to get him to admit that he still loves me too- because he used to say he loved me, years ago, when we first met- but when I pressed him last night, he ended the conversation abruptly by pushing me back onto the bed and fucking me.

As we were settling to sleep afterwards, I said "Hey Mark?"

He said "Yeah?"

"I love you."

Silence. Then, after a moment, he said "You've got me all tongue tied now," in that beautiful, sweet, lyrical voice of his. And that was all he said for the rest of the night.

My heart shattered, even though I'd told him earlier that evening that he couldn't break my heart again, because I was older and wiser and didn't want anything more from him than an occasional evening of "fun". But I couldn't help it. I can't not love him- not after what we've shared.

He shattered my heart- not for the first time- ripped it out of my chest and stomped on it. I don't think he really meant to do it, but I put him between a rock and a hard place- asking him straight out if he still loved me. He is too kind to look him in the face and say no- but his answer was clear, nonetheless. And I am afraid that I totally blew it, that I made him so uncomfortable by telling him that I love him, that he'll fade out of the picture completely, and I'll never see him again.

I didn't let him see how hurt I was...we went to sleep, he woke me with breakfast in bed, fucked me one more time- without even kissing me- and then took me home, ranting about politics the whole way. And then when he left me, he didn't kiss me goodbye.

I wonder if I'll ever hear from him again? Why do I always have to learn the hard way? Why couldn't I listen to what everyone else was trying to tell me about him?

I will always love him. I will love him until the day I die.

I don't know what to do. I'm suicidal for the first time in years. There seems to be no future at all.

who left you so?

striking a match for the keyhole
dark as the evening laid
when he left you all alone

turning to fade through the sawgrass
tall as the only love
that you'll ever really know

who left you so?

grace is a gift for the fallen, dear
you're an angry blade & you're brave
but you're all alone

turning a shade of an angel born
in a bramble ditch when the doors
of heaven closed

who left you so?
-Iron and Wine