Memories

I'll probably regret writing this entry so late at night, because bringing the memories to the surface will keep me awake, but I can't seem to stop myself.

I've already spoken in detail about the sexual abuse I endured at the hands of my older brother. But if I am honest, I know that my brother's abuses had less impact on me than what I suffered at the hands of my parents. My father, mostly- my mother was only abusive because she she never once stepped in to rescue me. As the years pass, I find that I have a harder time forgiving her than I do my father.

My father was an angry man, and when he lost his temper- which was often- he took it out on us physically. He was an impatient man, and he was determined to nip any tiny bud of self-esteem he saw emerging from any of us, his children. He was often sadistic, and throughout my childhood, I was terrified of him. When I was at school, I used to dread weekends, because from Friday evening to Monday morning, I was at his mercy, and he was a man with no mercy at all.

I remember getting a whipping with his leather belt once- I don't remember what I had supposedly done to deserve it, but I do remember that I wet myself from the terror and pain, and then I was beaten again- with the buckle of the belt this time- for pissing on the floor.

One thing that I remember best is how, when I knew he was in a bad mood, I would always go into my bedroom and begin frantically cleaning, because I knew that he would come in there, screaming about my "filthy pigsty". And no matter how clean my room was, he always found fault. Sometimes I would clean for hours, and feel quite proud of my efforts...and he would always come in and say the exact same thing. He'd say, "Well, this is a good start, but this room is still a pigsty." And then he would make a snorting noise, imitating a pig, because he wanted to be perfectly clear that, in his mind, I was a disgusting pig. There was absolutely no way to please him, none at all. And even today, when someone says to me "That's a good start", I want to break down in tears.

That's enough for now. Of course I have more demons, and I fully intend to bring them into the light, because hopefully the light will destroy them. But not tonight...I'm so tired.