spew

it's all pouring out of me like vomit. all coming out.

i had a dream last night, a dream about my brother, the one who used me and fucked me and took my innocence away when i was only a little girl.

i dreamed that i was with him and we were both shooting speed again, and tweaking out, gone days and days with no sleep, and he had gone into the psychotic paranoid place that is the only possible end of addiction to meth and i was trying to hold it all together, just like i always do.

he was crazy. we were in the car and he had something he wanted to hide, something that was his precious, like gollum in lord of the rings. he was driving and he was tweaking and the cops stopped us and took the thing away from him and he was insane. just insane.

and next thing, we were in the garage, and he was sitting on the floor, with a shotgun in his mouth and his brains were sprayed all over the wall.

and it was left for me to clean up that mess.

i can't do this. i am losing my mind. i am suffering so. is there anyone out there who understands this hell?

i want to keep on writing, the words i'm typing are the only thin barrier between me and complete insanity, but i want to publish this post too so someone will read it and i will not be alone.

there's more. i'm not even close to finished. hit that publish button, girly, it's just like that goddamn needle sliding into your vein, and ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.....

i am going crazy.