Lonely

I have been quiet for a few days, but I have no intention of abandoning this blog. It's just that bringing these memories back to the surface of my mind has hit me much harder than I expected. I am depressed, and I am incredibly lonely.

"Lonely" is not anything new where I am concerned- through most of my life, I've only had one friend at a time, or, rarely, two. At this point in my life, I have none- or at least, none who are not digital. :-) I go out only when I have to, and I move through the world of people exactly like a ghost- people just don't notice me, and when they do, they don't want to see, so they turn away.

I know there are ways to cure this- I often hear people say "Put yourself out there! Go and get involved! Stop expecting people to show up on your doorstep- you have to reach out!". But I don't, and I think I can't. It's too hard and it hurts too much.

I'm getting older. When I looked in the mirror this morning, I could see age lines emerging from my skin- they are "frown lines" more than "smile lines", and that is yet another reason to grieve. Why has happiness passed me by? Why is it that the only time my life is bearable is when I use drugs? I've stopped using drugs entirely now, and I realize that, overall, things are better for me- the highs are gone, but the lows are far more gentle. Still, I wish I could learn to be happy. I wish I could be an inspiration to everyone. But no, not in this lifetime.