Oh, my god, this is like an addiction. It has never occurred to me to do this before- to tell the stories of my past in this way. There isn't a person on this planet who really knows all that I've done. And I want to tell. I want to get it all out, once and for all.
I never was "an addict" in the way most people think of it. I was what they call "a poly-drug abuser". I took anything and everything I could get my hands on. I always used to say that I would never try heroin, but that was a lie...if someone had offered it to me I would have done it without hesitation. I was just like that. I was really goddamned lucky that nobody ever offered it to me.
I started doing drugs when I was 14. I stopped just this past September, 18 years later...well, I didn't stop completely, I guess. I still have a prescription for Xanax and an antidepressant. But I've stopped doing street drugs and I will never go back to that. And I'm not doing any stupid twelve-step bullshit program to get off anything. Some people may be into that shit, but to me the 12-steps and the meetings are just trading one addiction for another. Whatever gets you through the night, Baby. And right now what gets me through the night is my sweet baby girl's smile and the love of my husband and the friends I have made through this little electronic box.
Drugs, then. Which ones have I done? Alcohol, Acid, Methamphetamine, Cocaine, Crack, Ecstasy, all kinds of pain pills, huge amounts of OTC cold and flu remedies (cos, yeah, they'll get you high if you haven't got anything else), Valium and all its cousins, Ketamine, GHB, Shrooms, Ritalin, Nicotine (naturally), DMT, and, of course, lots and lots and LOTS of ganja.
My number one drug of choice was always weed. That might make you laugh, to hear me say that, but it's true. It was the first drug I tried, it was the one I used for the longest. I smoked pot every single damned day for 18 years. I know it's supposedly not addictive, but ask my husband if that's true or not. He'll tell you that I was an everloving bitch from hell when I didn't have weed, that I was insane when I couldn't have a toke. It was the easiest drug to start and the hardest to quit. FOR ME, that is. Most people can handle weed just fine, they don't enter into obsessive love affairs with it, not like I did.
I was always stoned. For most of that time nobody noticed, because they had never seen me not stoned. Still, I kind of wonder who I got away with it for so long...did nobody smell it on me? Did nobody notice the pinhole burns in my clothes even though I'd quit smoking tobacco? I spent a lot of years living the lifestyle of a normal suburban housewife, only I was a normal suburban housewife who smoked more than half an ounce a week, all by herself. I took my pipe with me every time I left the house and never got busted, I guess because I didn't "look the part". Somehow, through all those years of doing all those drugs, I have never been arrested. I came really damn close a couple of times, but I always got away. Knock on fucking wood.
Oh well. I have to go, and when I come back I'm sure I'll have more interesting tales to tell. Weed is boring. Maybe next time I'll talk about speed.
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I started writing about my childhood a few months ago - specifically, my days in foster care - and discovered what a catharsis it is for me, too. I've never shared it before now, before I started it on my own blog, and I never knew it would be such an enormous release.
I have to reign myself in sometimes, and take a break, otherwise I'd write it all at once. And I've discovered that doing a bit at a time gives me the opportunity to focus on each little thing. That works for me.
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